Written March 25, 2001

What am I supposed to do? My mind's been telling me for forever to get over you, but the rest of me refuses to even attempt. Sometimes I don't believe a word you say. You - a virgin? Where's the pun to that joke? Sometimes everything you say makes perfect sense. The world is understandable, all it needs is for you to be near me for life to have meaning. Has Rhyme met Reason? You say you never ever stopped liking me - do you think there was a time where I ever stopped liking you? When I first met you, about two years ago, it was just a crush. I knew you don't remember this but I can remember one of the first times we talked. It wasn't a big deal at the moment, but later I was in shock. I didn't even know you knew I was alive,besides an occasional "hello" in the hallway but you always were friendly. Yada Yada, somehow we started talking last year. And you know it from there basically. Somehow you defeated all my guards, and trust me there are a lot. Somehow you got to know me - which scares me. It's a whole lot easier to be able to lie or pretend to be in a good mood without someone knowing the difference. Somehow, despite my walls and past, you got me to care about you. Yeah, I cared about Sid - but you know how different that was. I mean I don't even know how many times I defended you to Sid. Except now I'm defending you to myself. I don't trust men; I have my reasons. I doubt you even want to know them because if I get into that, I'll start crying and few people have seen me cry. Maybe three and they don't even know how bad it gets. I don't generally let myself cry so by the time I do, I'm so worked up I start shaking in convulsions. But everybody in the library one day saw me shaking - but that's beyond the point. What was the point? I don't want to say this, but you do know I'd do anything for you, right? I'd die for you. Isn't that scary? I know sometimes I do seem impossibly cold, but you know I care. I just don't like to have my heart on my sleeve? but how many times can you have your heart broken by the same person? Sometimes I wish I was only a game and I knew, so I didn't have to wonder what I do mean to you, if what you say is true, etc. I even stopped most of my cutting for you. Too bad you don't know. How well do you know me?